


neither honey nor the honey bee

by monopolizers



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Cissexism, Cunnilingus, M/M, Other, Sexswap, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-03
Updated: 2015-08-03
Packaged: 2018-04-12 19:28:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4491873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/monopolizers/pseuds/monopolizers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>—up to now I always wanted it<br/>but not this</p><p>—Jean Valentine, <i>I have lived in your face</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	neither honey nor the honey bee

**Author's Note:**

> this is set during mumblemumble OTRA tour dates, but after Zayn left (I'm lazy, and also bad with timelines). unbeta'd, unbritpicked.
> 
> this is a sexswap, so a cis male character who normally has no breasts and a penis wakes up with breasts and a vagina. I didn't include this in the tags, since it's v mild, but he does experience some gender dysphoria. there's also some cissexism, a lot of associating gender with genitalia, etc. if you want more detailed content notes/warnings you can leave me a comment and I can help you out. 
> 
> the summary is from Jean Valentine's poem [I have lived in your face](http://www.poets.org/poetsorg/poem/i-have-lived-your-face) which is a poem that has nothing to do with this story at all. Sorry, Jean.

It wasn't like they hadn't been fucking before the changes started, though Niall knew Louis would probably call it something different. Not "fucking." Something that had less of an attachment. Niall called it fucking—in his head, because he wasn't exactly talking about it to anyone else—because after all this was over he wanted to have something to hold on to. The before. The reminder that Louis had desired him, at some point. The way he was, in this body, skinny and fragile, always near a breaking point, nails bitten down to the quick, scar prominent down his leg. Even if no one else knew. 

Once, they'd wanted each other so much—no. He hated phrasing it like that, even to himself, because it didn't feel true. The desire wasn't mutual and he wanted to constantly remind himself of that, prod at it like a raw wound, at the same time that he wanted to convince himself that Louis wanted him even if he couldn't admit it. It made him pathetic, and he knew that when Louis looked at him, after, when they were dressing. Pity mixed with disgust and fascination. How could he want it so much? Niall couldn't have told him if he'd asked.

But once. On this tour. They'd wanted each other so much they found a supply closet right after coming off stage. It was the only time Louis'd ever gone down on him. Sometimes if he concentrated hard enough he could still feel how hard Louis' hands dug into his thighs. How sloppy he'd been, the way his fringe fell into his eyes, the frantic way he'd tugged himself off afterwards, head leaning on Niall's hip as Niall stroked his hands through Louis' hair. It wasn't like Niall had expected anything to change after that. It'd just been that much harder to go back to the way they were. He couldn't ask for anything more. Just wanted it, sometimes, when he saw the way Louis treated girls, his gentle hands and the way he'd brush back their hair, how soft his eyes could get. It wasn't like he didn't look at Niall like that way, either. But never when they were fucking. Never when Niall wanted him to.

  


* * *

  


The first time he changed he didn't even notice till he went to the loo to take a piss. He reached down expecting to find his dick and instead brushed through soft curls and a lot of empty space where his penis used to be.

First he had a panic attack. Afterwards, he called Sam.

  


* * *

  


"It's weird," Harry said with wonder, rubbing his fingers back and forth through Niall's hair and scratching at his scalp. He didn't even seem to realise he was doing it. Niall could feel arousal building up lower than he was used to, pooling near his—cunt. He could barely think of it like that. He shoved it back. He hated himself most when he got like that, when any random touch from a nice bloke could get him hard—wet—when he couldn't look at his bandmates some days without feeling that low pulse of arousal. 

Louis had barely looked up at all from his phone—probably texting Briana—but now he did. "Good observation," he said, heavy on the sarcasm. "It's weird. Very like you, Haz, to state the most utterly obvious fact. I think we can all tell that it's weird." 

"Hey," Harry said, eyebrows knitting together. Liam, ever the peacemaker, jumped in and said, 

"I think what Harry meant is how weird it is that you don't look that different, Niall." Niall shrugged. He couldn't stop thinking about how different he looked, but he could see why he might not look so odd to everyone else. His breasts were small, and he'd stayed more or less the same height and the same frame. His face had changed, his skin was different, but at a quick glance, or from a distance, he hadn't changed that much. He could pass, for now, and it was lucky that they had a small break. 

"We'll wait and see if it passes," Sam said. He looked concerned, but not as concerned as Niall felt. Actually, none of them looked as worried as Niall felt. The panic attack had ended, but he'd felt on the verge of another one this entire time, his chest tight and full of pressure. He worried at the skin around his thumb, tore a piece off. When it started bleeding he pressed it into his jeans. 

"Bloody hell, that's disgusting. Can't you have some manners for once, Niall?" Louis snapped. Niall tensed up even more. He couldn't see Harry right now, but he could feel the way Harry was frowning at Louis over his head. He swung his legs off the couch.

"Sorry, Lou," he said. "Uh, I'm out for now. Don't really think it's a good idea for me to go out like this, so I'll be in the hotel if anyone..." he trailed off, waved his hand around. They were all watching him with mirroring expressions of pity, except for Louis, who had something else, something extra. A little sick fascination, maybe, except it couldn't be that at all. Niall shook himself. He stepped out.

  


* * *

  


Niall was just out of the shower when someone knocked at the door. He hesitated for a moment on whether to tie the towel the way he usually did and then tied it the way he'd seen girls tie it, above his breasts. When he opened the door, Louis was standing there. 

"Hey, mate," he said, feeling unaccountably pleased. 

"Niall!" Louis said. His eyes were darting all over, like he couldn't look Niall straight on. For a moment he thought they dipped to the divot between his breasts. He could feel a sick anticipation building in the pit of his stomach. Maybe it was arousal and he just couldn't recognise it in this body, but he felt nauseous, too. Ill. 

"What's up?" he said, opening the door so Louis could come in. "I was just going to sit around and watch telly all day. Mind if I get dressed?" 

"Ah, I won't take long," Louis said. "Just wanted to say sorry, for what I said earlier." He rubbed at the back of his neck, normally sharp blue eyes now rather sheepish. "You're probably having a hard time, with all this—" he waved a hand at Niall's entire body— "and I shouldn't have snapped at you."

Niall took a moment to catch up. "Did Liam make you say that?" he said finally. 

Louis huffed out a laugh. "You're quite sharp, Niall. Yeah, he did. But I meant it, too. I was being a twat, that's all. I wasn't thinking about..." his voice trailed off weakly. Niall looked down and realised the place he'd tied the towel was coming loose, so Louis could see the tops of his breasts. He swallowed.

"Sorry, mate. Let me just—" He fumbled with the towel, trying to tie it the way girls he'd fucked had tied it before, but his fingers were clumsy and he couldn't quite manage. 

"Leave it," Louis said. His voice sounded strange. When Niall looked up, clutching the towel to his chest, Louis was looking at him in a way that made goosebumps rise on his skin. He felt that sick anticipation rising in his chest. When Louis stepped closer to him, one hand on his where he held the towel and the other tilting up his chin, Niall accepted the kiss.

  


* * *

  


They kissed for long moments, bodies pressed together. For a while it was just their mouths, Louis' lips soft and thin, and then Louis licked at the seam of his lips and sucked at his tongue, mouth opening wide and making a crest of pleasure spike low in Niall's gut. Their hands were still pressed between them, the towel a thin barrier. When Louis moved his hand to Niall's waist, Niall let go of it, and then they were pressed together, a line of heat all along his front. Louis' shirt was scratchy, and Niall could feel his nipples harden. The kiss deepened, and he moaned into it, sliding his fingers up into Louis' hair. They'd never kissed this long. Before it had been cursory, like Louis felt it would be too mercenary to get off without kissing but wasn't particularly enthused about doing it with Niall. Now it was long, slow, hot. Niall wanted to get everything out of it he could before Louis took it away. Louis' hair was soft and when Niall tightened his fingers Louis groaned and broke away, pressing his forehead to Niall's shoulder. He was very aware of how bare he was, how different arousal felt like this. He could feel something throbbing between his legs—his clit?—and he knew if he moved his legs there'd be a slickness between his thighs. 

"Fuck," Louis said, very low against his neck. He moved his hands and the towel fell away completely to the floor. Niall shivered.

"Louis—"

Louis kissed him to quiet him, hands sweeping to his waist. It was a chaste place to touch but against Niall's bare skin his hands felt huge and rough and made his cunt leak a little more. "Shh," Louis said against his mouth. He kissed the hinge of Niall's jaw, pressed his lips gently to Niall's neck. "Let me do this. Let me take care of you, hm?"

This was a terrible idea. This couldn't end well for anyone. But Louis wanted him now. Niall wondered for a brief moment how pathetic it made him that he was going to say yes—because he was, even if Louis freaked out and walked out halfway through and never touched him again. He just wanted to know what this felt like. To be on the receiving end of this desire. He opened his mouth. For a moment, he thought he was going to say no despite all that, which would have been the smarter decision. Then Louis licked the pad of his thumb and rubbed it in a tight circle around Niall's nipple, making it tighten and harden in the cold air. His cunt clenched with arousal. He wanted Louis' fingers, Louis' mouth, Louis' cock. He would even have been okay rubbing himself off on Louis' thigh. He could never have said no. Instead he tipped his head onto Louis' shoulder and groaned aloud. 

"That's it," Louis said, petting his head. He walked them over to the bed. "Just relax, hm, love? I've got you." The fingers of one of his hands were playing with Niall's nipple while the other was stroking along his side. Niall shuddered all over, moaned, and Louis kissed him until he wasn't shaking anymore. He was hyperaware that he was completely naked and wet while Louis was clothed, and not even the hard press of Louis' cock against his thigh through the rough material of his jeans made him feel comfortable about that.

"Your clothes," he managed to say while Louis was putting him on his back. 

"Just a moment," Louis said. He smiled at Niall from between his legs. "Let me do this first for you, all right? I'll make you feel so good, I promise." He was so gentle, even when he spread Niall's legs. He kissed along one thigh, then the other. Niall felt his face turn red with shame.

"I didn't shave," he said, one arm covering his face so he didn't have to see Louis' face turn blotchy with disgust. Instead he heard Louis laugh softly. It was so unlike him that Niall almost made him leave. This wasn't right. Louis wasn't fucking him. Louis was fucking a girl who looked like Niall. 

"That's okay, babe," Louis said. He skimmed a thumb down Niall's thigh, stopping right at the crease of his thigh and hip. "You're still quite lovely." Niall's stomach turned. He wanted to hear this and at the same time—

Louis spread him with a hand, blew cool air softly at Niall's twitching cunt. "You're so wet," he said. His voice was reverent. "You like that, huh?" 

"Louis," Niall moaned. He could feel the material of Louis' shirt against his legs. He wanted Louis to take something off, too, to be as vulnerable as he was. "Take your fucking shirt off, just fucking—" He trailed off into a choked moan when Louis licked at him. 

"Let me do this for you," Louis whispered. He hefted Niall's legs more firmly onto his shoulders and just started—going for it. Eating Niall out. Niall couldn't even think. He'd heard Louis was good at this, of course—and Louis talked all the time about how much he loved it, getting to a girl's cunt, eating her out until she was twitching and oversensitive. But he hadn't expected it to feel like this, this strange slick wetness and the heat of Louis' mouth and the prickling sensation of his stubble. He squirmed forward and then away, his body not understanding the stimulation coming from so many different places. 

He came in just a few minutes, clenching hard around Louis' fingers, and then again just a few seconds later, harder this time, almost sobbing. "Louis," he said, and his voice was unrecognisable. "Please, god, just—I need—" The core of him felt empty in a way he'd never quite understood before. In his other body he'd never gone much for penetration, but in this body he wanted something inside, something to clench down on. More fingers, a cock, a dildo, whatever. He could hear the slick sounds of Louis' fingers working in and out of him even after he'd come, and it made him blush at the same time that it made him even more wet. 

"What is it, darling?" Louis said. Niall's skin crawled again at how strange it was for Louis to talk to him this way, but he shoved it aside.

"Your cock," he said, and then bit his lip and turned his head to the side helplessly. He hadn't expected to say that. 

"That's okay," Louis said, smoothing a hand up his side. Stop treating me like a girl, Niall wanted to say, but kept his mouth shut. "D'you have anything? Does the hotel—" 

"There are condoms in the bathroom," Niall said. Louis got off him and finally started stripping. Niall watched him without trying to let on that he was watching; he watched the tanned skin of Louis's back appear, his thighs, his arse. Louis disappeared into the bathroom for a moment, reappearing with a little foil packet. 

"Good eye," he said, smiling. "All right. This might be a little tight, okay?" He rolled the condom on, and then settled on top of Niall again. Their eyes met. "Hey," Louis said. The crinkles around his eyes when he smiled like that were unbearably cute. Niall kissed him instead of thinking about it. He ran a hand over Niall's breasts, his waist, the thin skin under his jaw. "I'm going to fuck you, is that okay?" 

Niall nodded. He couldn't look Louis in the eye as he pressed in. His cock felt huge, but as he slid in Niall could feel something that had been nagging at the back of his head quiet down for a moment. Louis stopped for a moment, panting. "God, fuck, you're so tight," he said. He pressed his head to Niall's shoulder and slid the rest of the way in, then waited a moment before starting up a regular rhythm. "Ah, that's—is that good for you?" he said. 

"Yeah," Niall said, mouth dry. It was. He could feel his arousal beginning to flare up again. There were some upsides to this body, apparently, and one of them was how easily he was able to orgasm. The other, of course, was that Louis would treat him like an actual person when they fucked, instead of a warm body or a hand or a mouth that was available to satisfy his needs and nothing more. He clenched his eyes shut against the thought. Louis fucked him harder, and then slid a hand between them and rubbed at his clit; it took a few seconds before Niall was shuddering, about to come. This one felt bigger than the other two, harder to reach but also more momentous in its happening: he was coming on Louis' cock. When he came, tightening around Louis, Louis closed his eyes. Sweat dripped off his neck. 

"God, you're so good, god, El—" he said, and came, twitching for a moment. A second later he rolled off Niall, who lay frozen, staring at the ceiling. He'd heard right, he knew, and then suddenly had an urge to be sick. He managed to fight it off. He wanted to be held, but he didn't want to touch Louis, who was sprawled out next to him. For a brief moment he wanted to kick Louis out of the room and then destroy every single item that wasn't bolted down and then call Zayn, who would be kind, he thought, or at least understanding. The urge passed as quickly as it came. Zayn and Louis were two birds of a feather, two peas in a pod. If he couldn't trust Louis to fuck him while actually seeing him, he definitely couldn't trust Zayn to be kind to him. The thought hurt more than he expected. He curled up on his side, facing away from Louis. After a moment he could hear the sheets rustle, and then Louis curled up behind him, a big spoon, a hand draped over Niall's side. 

"Niall," he said low, breath brushing Niall's neck. 

"What," Niall said. He didn't trust himself to turn around. He knew how Louis would look.

Instead of apologising in the sweet, cloying way Niall had come to expect of him, Louis didn't say anything at all. Niall swallowed. The silence in the room was heavy and smothering. Louis' arm was slung over him and he wanted it off. In a moment of sudden action, he pushed Louis away and then sat up on the side of the bed. He knew Louis was watching even though he couldn't see him.

"I'm going to take a shower," he said mildly. If they both ignored that it had happened, it never had to happen again, and then they could both just move on with their lives.

"All right," Louis said. He could feel Louis' eyes on him all the way to the bathroom. When Niall came out, wearing his clothes instead of a towel this time, Louis was gone.

He spent the rest of the day in bed. His cunt was swollen, oversensitive, but he ignored it, the ache between his legs. He sat around and watched telly and opened the windows and smiled guilelessly at Harry and Liam when they came to join him. He worked out before he went to bed and fell asleep instantly. The next day he woke up with his own body back. He thought: everything will be fine.

  


* * *

  


For a while he was right. He and Louis never talked about it, were barely even alone together for a while. They certainly didn't hook up. They were the same they always were. He was sweet to Niall on stage and occasionally off it, but never the same way he'd been when they fucked. Sometimes Niall thought he caught Louis looking at him when he didn't notice, but whenever he turned to check Louis was talking to someone else. 

Niall didn't know how to feel. Both relieved and sick, perhaps. Relieved because maybe it could end, this endless, desperate longing, the way he'd felt himself strung along to Louis' Pied Piper tune for years and years, even before they'd ever touched that way. Relieved that he could finally really work on cutting himself loose, the way he'd tried so many times for so long only to get pulled back in. Sick because—no one liked to know that they were a replacement. Hearing Eleanor's name in Louis' mouth, the way he'd said how good Niall was only to snatch that praise right back, made him curl into himself when he thought about it. It was good that this had happened between them, Niall told himself, because now he could—work on building other relationships. He told himself that and tried to ignore the way he turned, flower to the sun, whenever Louis was in the room.

  


* * *

  


Then it happened again.

  


* * *

  


This time Sam said, "What'd you do last time to make it go away?" 

Niall carefully didn't look at Louis and he knew Louis was just as carefully not looking at him. "Dunno," he said tonelessly, shrugging one shoulder. "Just sat around and watched telly, I guess. Maybe it's just the type of thing that only lasts a day." 

Sam considered this and nodded. "Must be," he said. Harry was watching all of them, eyes darting between Louis and Niall. Niall prayed that he held off opening his fat mouth until they were alone. He got up abruptly and banged his hip on the edge of the table; his body wasn't really that different, but he still wasn't used to navigating in it. 

"I'm gonna go do that," he said. "Do we have to talk about anything else?" Sam's eyes softened. 

"No," he said. There was pity in his eyes, the same way there had been before. Niall hated it. He pushed out of the door, banging his knee on the doorframe, and went back to his room.

As he'd predicted, fifteen minutes later, there was a knock on his door. When he opened it, Louis was standing outside. They regarded each other for a moment. 

"You heard what Sam said," Louis said. He wasn't whispering, but he was so quiet Niall could barely hear him. "What if it was—us—that made it go away last time?" He swallowed, and Niall could see his Adam's apple bob. 

For a moment he wanted to throw Louis out of there and say fuck it, so what, I'll stay this way forever instead of fucking you. But he wasn't like that, and with Louis so close, his knees were nearly buckling with how weak he was with desire, the chance to do it again.

"Okay," he said. Louis' eyes flicked to his mouth and then to his nipples, which were hardened to points under his shirt—he hadn't thought it worth it to buy a bra. Louis took a step into the room and Niall almost stepped back. They were close, now, close enough that he could see the individual lashes of Louis' eyes, the pores in his face.

He wished he could have said it was cursory when they kissed. That he didn't get wet so quickly, that he hadn't wanted it so badly they'd gotten undressed five minutes in. That he didn't sob when he came from how good it felt. That it didn't give him a kick of arousal when Louis kissed him, his mouth still tasting of Niall's cunt. He wanted to ask if Louis liked it. The taste. Instead he kept his mouth shut. This time, instead of staying, Louis got dressed and left.

  


* * *

  


Niall dozed for a little bit, afterwards. He woke to raised voices outside, a kick of panic jolting him awake. 

One of the people said, hissed and furious, "We're right outside of his room, idiot, d'you want him to hear?" That was Louis. 

A second voice, deeper, said, "Honestly, I'm not sure I care. I hope he hears. You're fucked up, Lou." It was Harry. Niall's stomach twisted. Were they talking about— "You don't do that to any of your mates, much less to _Niall,_ who—"

"We both know what's going on," Louis said, tone sneering and superior, "because we're both adults, and so I'll thank you to fuck right off with your bloody righteous attitude." 

"I'm not being righteous," Harry said, low and angry. "He's been arse over tit for you forever. Forever and ever. Anyone with eyes could see it. You could, and you do, and you're—taking advantage of him." A wave of cold rolled over Niall, then a strange, unperturbed calm. He felt like he was listening from outside his own body. There was a thump, like someone had pushed someone else into something. 

"I am not taking advantage," Louis said, cold. "Don't get involved in this. It's not about you." 

"Sure," Harry replied. "It's not about me right up until another one of us leaves the band. Fuck you, Louis." He couldn't hear either of them walk off, but there weren't any more sounds. 

He was surprised at how calmly he was taking this, though he was sweating profusely. He noted almost with detachment that his hands were shaking. When he went to take a shower, he could barely apply soap. He drifted off to sleep, and woke up as himself.

  


* * *

  


When he heard a knock on his door, he opened it to find Louis. He didn't want to let him in, but he smiled tightly. 

Louis seemed preoccupied. "Listen, Niall," he began. He twisted his fingers together. Niall tilted his head at him. "We're okay, right?" He gestured between the two of them. Niall stared at him blankly. "Like, this thing—we're—nothing's bad between us, right?" 

"Of course not, Lou," he said, sickly pleased at how strong his voice came out. Every time one of them stopped speaking the silence fell, smothering them. It stretched out for an endless moment, before he said, "We're just mates, right? Just mates helping out mates." He waved a hand.

"Right," Louis said. He bit his thumbnail. There was a relief dawning in his face. Niall looked at him, drank him in. Couldn't help it. Even after all this, just being near Louis felt good. He wanted to touch the sharp lines of his face, his thin lips, the stubble on his jaw. "Right!" Louis said again, more firmly. "Just wanted to check. This is all mates. We're all good." He grinned at Niall. Niall smiled back. There was so much laid out between them now. So much they wouldn't be able to let go of. He wanted to reach for Louis, make sure the lines of his body were the same as the last time they'd touched. It was strange to think that they wouldn't touch in the same way again, but of course they wouldn't. He tried to be relieved about this, happy that Harry was looking out for him, but he just felt regret. Loss. At the same time, a strange sense of freedom. If everyone knew—then all the worrying he'd done in the past had been for nothing. Or maybe Harry hadn't meant everyone, he'd just meant himself. It didn't matter. Someone else knew. 

If someone else knew, that meant it had all been real. It hadn't all been in Niall's head. He was coming to realise that was all he'd wanted. He smiled at Louis. "Don't worry about it," he said, and meant it. "It'll always be good between us."

  


* * *

  


It is clear now:  
  
Neither honey nor  
the honey bee is  
to be mine again  
  
—Sappho

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry, Sappho. actually, sorry everyone.
> 
> one of the update accounts said Sam was their tour manager now that Paul was gone so I went with it...if that's not true then, uhh, tell me so I can change it.
> 
> comments and concrit are super appreciated! you can find me at [dicktrick](http://dicktrick.tumblr.com) and reblog/like this [here.](http://dicktrick.tumblr.com/post/125770317212/neither-honey-nor-the-honey-bee-rating-explicit)


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